Caution: Long Entry

You wanna know something that's pathetically funny?

I could actually tickle myself.

And laugh.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

We were talking about weddings - ya I know, scary topic and no, we're not getting married, we're not even a couple! - and she told me, "When I get married, I want to have a garden theme!"

"Ooo, Lone Pine? Just like Zach's?" I say, "You won't believe how beautiful it was. The sunset, the beach, the seclusion. Though the heat is a massive bummer though,"

"Would you wanna be my wedding planner?"

What? Gosh, no, "Well, if you fancy a football themed wedding then I'm the man!"

"I'd kill you if you were my would-be husband,"

"You knew I was gonna say that, and yet you ask," I said, "But wouldn't it be lovely? Man, I gotta go to some football stadium and pickup girls next time if I ever wanna meet a football nut and marry her,"

I asked her what's her theme gonna be, apart from having it in a garden, but I couldn't wait for her to respond. So I loudly shared my idea, "You do the whole Adam and Eve thing," I suggest, "Think about it, you'd save a whole-lot of moolah with this. All you need is 4 leafs. Three for you, one for him. Maybe an apple also. And a pet snake to complete it,"

Startled, she replied, "What about the back? I don't wanna have it exposed you know,"

"You have 'em cheeks to cover mah! That's what butt cheeks are for!"

"..."

"OK, let's improvise. Think long lalang. Mother nature's G-string,"

"It'll get really itchy lah," she said, "Hahah, try say long lalang out loud,"

"LONG LALANG!"

"Nice ah?"

"No..."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

My mom is so into making muffins now, she bought a 2-thousand ringgit oven for it. And it's placed somewhere between the mini bar and the TV cabinet. Oh what an eye-sore.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

We were invited by some church on the first floor of the building today. And being a sucker for free food, we all agreed to go. As we step into the shoplot church after gathering our lunch, we sat at the plastic chairs they provided. Naturally, we stay in a group. We felt a wee bit nervous at how welcoming and courteous they were. We noticed, those who sit alone or those who just sat there and eat would have one of them sit right next to your and start asking you all these questions. Where are you from? Where's the office? What do you do? What this and what that.

I sat next to Drey and I noticed the pattern. We were hungry therefore all of us just concentrated on eating. Then one of them sat next to Kee and started the whole questionnaire thing, one down, "Drey, please don't stop talking to me. I don't want them to ask me to convert..." well, maybe they weren't trying, but I've been through it before and it can get pretty ugly.

Somehow we manage to avoid most of them, until one of them just picked up a chair and sat next to me. Despite being in 'conversation' with Drey, she butts in with utter delight, "HI HOW ARE YOU?! ENJOYING THE FOOD HERE?!"

Gosh, "Umm yeah yeah, food's great -munch munch-,"

"WOULD YOU LIKE SOME DESSERTS?"

Eyes wide open, slightly hunching, still munching on the fried chicken, "Umm yeah, thanks,"

"I'LL BE RIGHTTTT BACK!" and she strolls away to her happy ending. I swear, it seems like she hopped away to a rainbow with bunnies and butterflies and to the sunset.

"We should just chuck this all down and get out for a smoke," I suggest to her, in which she agree within a nano second by nodding her head in incredible speed, "You know Drey, at times like this. I'm so bloody glad that I smoke,"

"Yeah wei! I was gonna say that too!"


Well, come to think of it. We can be really mean at times, but hey, we've met so many nasty people in our lives in advertising. So when someone is so strangely nice to you and offer you food, you can't help but be suspicious at their hidden intent. If there's any. I have to admit, I felt extremely bad. Because there wasn't any. I'm so going to hell for this.

Going Green

It has been ages since I did something that got me all brimming with satisfaction and content. When would clients ever leave us alone and allow us total creative freedom? OK, I do agree there are lots of disgruntled and utterly incapable designers out there...

But haven't I proven myself enough?

Truth be told, when this client contacted us and handed us an account, (their RM2.8 Mil villas at Batu Ferringhi) after seeing what they already had done previously - which was incredibly tacky - I could only expect the worst.

But as it turns out...
They gave me creative freedom. And lots of it.

So I return the favour.

Cheapos at a Festival

So, the Jazz Festival is back again for this year. Like every other year, instead on spending time rounding a group of people to go with me or bitch about the ridiculous ticket price, I'm sourcing for new ways to maintain my cheapo standard.

You see, apart from the RM50 ticket, they only sell Heineken beers there. Ooo, premium beer, yummy, but at RM15 for a small bottle (that was last year anyway, could be RM20 this year), that's gonna burn my pocket big time, if not my entire trousers.

Last year, I came out with this plan called, Plan Cheapo, where we buy cheap Tiger beers from our trusty supplier - oh you know who - and cram it all into one miserable small Coleman cooler, "How are we gonna get this into the festival?" Annie The Little One asks.

Crap, I haven't thought this through. They have quite a tight security there, guarding both the entrance from the main road and the beach, "Shit, OK, here's how we are gonna do it," I immediately reach for a few cold ones and pass it to everyone, "Crack it open and let's start drinking," being the genius, I suggested, "Perhaps we should down it, at least we'll get a little kick out of it."

After 2 cans each, feeling extremely bloated, we marched it, albeit a little rocky and a few episodes of severe brain-freeze and enjoy ourselves at the gig. Every half hour or so, you'll see our group splitting into 2s and mysteriously disappear for a good 20-minutes before returning and feeling extra happy and redder.

Eventually each of us did buy a bottle there. To cover a bit lah. How can one get so much high on life? Or the music? Besides, after trip no. 3, we couldn't be arsed to marched out for a can of beer. And it's no fun walking that far while you're under the influence anyway.

So this year, Leena suggest instead of this, "Why not we share and get a bottle of JD or something? Wouldn't it be much more potent?" she suggests, "Think about the amount of walking we don't have to do..."

She has a point, besides, we could disguise it in a bottle of...say..Coke! Heh.

iJeles

"Meng, look at this," he proudly flashes the screen at me. Knowing him, he's been doing this to his Sony Ericsson P1 phone since the day he got it. Always trying to pathetically emulate the iPhone.

"Yay," I replied sarcastically and just glance as I was busy checking the designer's work.

It was when I heard, "Wah, iPhone!" from the designer, my jaws dropped.

Bloody wanker, how on earth? OMFG! No way! No way! "OMG! IT IS THE iPhone!!"

I hate Kee so much now.

Boarding Blues

It has been ages since I last boarded a plane. Couple of months back, sis invited us to crash at her brand-spanking new crib. Though I no longer remember, something did happened, so we ended up postponing the trip to last week. Alas, the date was set.

Then I remembered, the last time I ever boarded a plane, I remember dad saying to me the day before we depart, "Meng ah, make sure you don't bring anything metal with you. Otherwise you can't board the plane,"

But it has been a decade since and September 11 happened. Security should be much tighter these days, so I called up JM, the frequent flyer I know for some advice;

Me: Dude, I'm cleaning up my bag for the trip tomorrow and I think I have quite a few things they might not want me to bring on-board. Like this bottle opener, would they confiscate my metal-key-chain-shark-shaped bottle opener? Cos I damn lazy to take everything out...

JM: Why do you have a metal-key-chain-shark-shaped bottle opener?

Me: I bought it in Bukit Merah wan lah, I gave you the black fat fish one, remember?

JM: Right. Yeah, well, I think they would, leave it behind.

Me: I hear you can't bring bottled water too.

JM: Yeap, no water.

Me: What about pen knife?

JM: ...

Me: CDs? I mean they're all umm...you know...not originals...

JM: Batu Ferringhi?

Me: No lah, CDr.

JM: I dunno man...

Me: What about a pen?

JM: A pen?

Me: Yeah, you know, pens have a metal tip...I could like poke people or worst, draw on them, or write the word "DEATH" on them...

JM: ...

OK, maybe I was going a wee bit overboard, but come on. It's been ages since I flew so naturally I wanted it to be as smooth as possible. I even left my brand new pack of Mild Seven Lights behind, preventing any awkward moment I'll have when my parents sees it as I empty my pockets and walk thru the metal detector.

I slept at 3am and woke up at 5am. And when the plane took off, I swear I tripped out for like 3-seconds. For the whole 3 days I spent there, I'm quite sure I had only 10 hours of sleep. I'll report back later.

Does It Get Any Cheesier Than This?

Because clients in Penang are bloody cheapos, because they don't wanna hire real talents and because I quite fancy appearing on the papers again so...


I helped myself.
If only it was cheesier.

(By the way, it's on today's papers. STAR, Metro section, page 8)

Ad Slut

You know, I've always secretly wanted to write, produce, direct and hopefully star in my own little movie. A proper feature length movie. I've been bugging JM with this idea of a movie for a while now. To the point I've actually started on the scripts. Well, not an actual script, but you know, at least its in writing. I won't disclose anything here, but I can tell you it's not gonna be an easy one to make. For starters, this film is not gonna be filmed in Malaysia. Well, at least 80% of it isn't gonna be. It's a story about 2 friends + migration + spoofing a popular genre. How you can take the boys out of Malaysia but not Malaysia out of the boys sorta thing.

"Since you're starting to hate your job so much," I tell JM, "Let's take a monumental risk and take up a RM300K loan from some bank and go abroad to film," cos let's say if this monumental risk results in a monumental failure, we can remain there as an illegal immigrant and the banks won't be able to find us! Well at least I would like to think so.

"What am I gonna say to my mom?" he asks, "Like 'Hi, mom, you know I love you and all, but I sorta took this little risk and it kind off didn't like work out the way we expected it and all, so ummm bye! Love ya'?"

Well, maybe not.

And oh, I've got something coming up tomorrow. OK, I cannot tahan anymore. I'll just blab it out. I'm gonna be on the papers again! Go me! Though just the northern region. But this time, it ain't an article, but an ad! I'm gonna be on an ad. Hehe, look up for a picture of a truck next to some bags. You'll see my face and my name on the truck. Look it up tomorrow yeah? Feel free to frame it up if you fancy, heh.

Sharing Nightmares

My dreams never make sense. Just last night, I had a dream that didn't make any sense. Actually it was more than one, but you know how easily dreams can be forgotten as the day wears on. But I remember this particular one.

The scene was at my old house - it looked like it was 10 years ago when it was neater and not so packed with cars which owners have faulted their loans by 3 months - it was just about 100m off the gates as for some reason, I found myself standing there, waiting for something. I saw my car driving towards me. Someone else was driving my car. The car was parked next to this pondok near this kopitiam inside the fishing village of Tanjung Tokong. Of all people, I saw Ju coming out. I couldn't help but notice a monumental vertical scratch on the side of the car, "Hi Meng!" she greeted me as I slowly made my way towards her.

I walked pass her and went to check the car's interior - for some reason, I knew it was my car and was baffled that in this dream, I knew it wasn't exactly MY car - and picked up the mat and begin to smash it on the ground to remove all dust and debris, "Ju, I would appreciate it if you invested a tiny wee bit of time in the car's cleanliness," I snapped at her, "I'm not even gonna ask you about the bloody scratch!"

She gave me that pathetic 5-year old sorry look as I walked around and spot another thing, "Ju, didn't I told you about parking under a tree?!"

Still maintaining that pathetic sorry look, "Yeah..." she wiggled, "Bird crap will rain down on the car if so," she justified, "I thought you'd appreciate me keeping the car out of the sun."

"Well at least the sun won't shit on the car, right?" I snapped, "For god sake Ju, if we're gonna share a car at least keep in CLEAN on my behalf!"

WTF?! We're sharing a car? My car? And I still live in Tg. Tokong? To be honest, it was more like a nightmare. I don't think I want to know what this nightmare is trying to tell me. But there is some truth to it. Truth #1, I do keep my car clean but not obsessively. #2, Ju does have a dirty car. Her brand new Myvi looks much older than my 5-year old Kelisa.

Stolen Saturday

Nobody ever really fancies working on a Saturday. Let’s face it. No one really does but if you do fancy it, well, you officially have no life.

So, I did make plans for today, which sadly I had to cancel and drive 16km thru the Saturday traffic and head up to the office. Because on Monday we have a bloody presentation with a big-time client who’s kind enough to actually throw a project at us. Without needing to pitch for it.

Man, have we come a long way since then. I remember a time when we have to compete among other agencies to secure ourselves an account. I recall lots of late nights, overdoing the concepts, the ideas and the visuals just so we stand out. And the dreaded ‘being compared to the other agencies’ work.

The thing is, we kinda suck at pitching. OK, I admit it, we suck horribly at it. As far as I remember, we’ve never secured an account thru pitching. We try too hard. However, we relish the prospect when an account is thrown at our direction, without the need to pitch. Gift-wrapped and handed to us, “Here, our budget is X-amount, go crazy!” they’d say. Well, something like that anyway. And always, we’d soar. That’s how we secured the next account. Thru networking.

So here we are, another project handed to us, gift-wrapped and it’s Saturday. With 2 more days to go, our presentation is nowhere near completion. In fact, we haven’t even decided the range of logos for option 3. I haven’t quite got around finishing the bullshit rationale for the product name and the 3 sets of logos we’re proposing. Each set contains 3 options. To make matters worst, the 3 of us are completely clueless with PowerPoint.

You know me, I resent anything that’s Microsoft. Simply for its sheer unreliability, its tacky templates and cheesy attempt to emulate OS X, “Why not we use Preview? I mean, we’re using Macs, the average-Joe would be blown away just looking at the desktop,” I suggest. But for some reason no one agreed, “I mean, it’s not like we’re gonna type anything, right?” I tried to justify my reason, “Everything is gonna be in JPEG, so why the hell not?”

In the old days, we do our presentation the old-fashion way, print out hard copies and mount it on a black A1 size mounting board. I got the impression, since another client of ours have exhausted our resources when he demanded 3-5 sets of a actual sized, actual material mock-up of his booklet throughout the course of 2 weeks, we’re running kinda dry. Besides, digital presentations are way easier to prepare, and well, it doesn’t cost a cent.

However, right now, I don’t really care if it’s Powerpoint or whatever. I just want to get this over with and get on with preparing my presentation speech. Because the last outing we had was simply ghastly. Not only did the designer and I froze in front of the board of directors, the cat caught the boss’ tongue as well. On top of that, the last presentation I did that actually went well was ummm, shit, I can’t even remember. Yeah, it was THAT long ago. So…


Here goes. A working Saturday. And the 16-bloody-kilometers drive.


Happy Saturday. Or whatever.

Funny aaaaaaa!!!

Well, since I'm still out of materials to blog, Debbie (the new colleague) found this hilariously funny site that has a collection of spoofs of the movie, 300.

CLICK HERE.

One Way

"To put it bluntly," he says as he closed the lid of his brother's HP laptop -- in which he claims would be his when he moves to KL, "you're blog is getting boring dude," and placed the laptop on the sofa and starts wiping it with a throw pillow feverishly, chanting, "Let is shine, let it shine!" followed by a hysterical-psycho-ward-patient-type laugh. Then he got vain, staring at his reflection off the glossy HP laptop cover.

"Ya I know!" I say, sitting on the 3-seater sofa next to it, watching with a hint of worry at his random compulsiveness, "You should use a proper cloth to wipe lah, the type you use to wipe your glasses," I suggested to him, "I just don't know what to blog about anymore..."

To be honest, I really don't know lah. Suddenly dry. Unmotivated.

"Maybe you should put up more of your work," he suggested. He picked up the laptop again and logged on to his MSN, "You know, those arty things you do at work," he continues, "Oo! Zach's online."

Umm, fellow bloggers would agree with me that Photobucket is terribly unpredictable. It takes ages to load up just one picture file sometimes. While on other occasion, it just never loads. Also, on most occasion, I'm never entirely satisfied with the work I've done. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. It is the clients that ALWAYS mess up my work. Sometimes they even have the bloody nerve to tell me I fucked it up. Hello? I presented to you a perfectly good ad/campaign etc and you're the bloody idiot that wanted a SCREAMING-RED COLOUR phone number splash across an ad that has cool tones (blue, green, etc...)

So yeah, maybe I don't post up my work as often as I should because it brings back bad memories. Stupid clients, stupid ideas and ridiculous deadlines.

"Why are you talking to Zach when he can only reply by typing?"

"He doesn't have a mic lah,"

"Hehe, it's like talking to a super high-tech computer with emotions and has some brilliant culinary advise."

Tagged: Here We Go Again

.1. The phone rings, who do you want it to be?
- Umm, people who fancy playing futsal or someone offering me a scholarship.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
- I'll look for someone dressed in the store's uniform and wheel it to them. With a smile of course.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or listener?
- It depends on the amount of alcohol they have.

4. Do you take compliments well?
- If it's not about my height, yeah. I'm running out of ways to respond to the, "Wah so tall" statement.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
- I hate it. Sort of. Well, it looks boring. I prefer Photoshop, heh.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
- With my nationwide coverage maxis line, of course I will! Rescue is just a phone call away. 

7.What song are you listening to?
- Feels Like Home by Newton Faulkner.

8.Did you ever go to a camp as a kid?
- My parents never really fancied it. So umm, no.

9. What was your favourite game as a kid?
- Pretending to be Spiderman or finding ways to annoy Ju.

10. Are you a single?
- Very much so.

11.Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
- Sure. I don't have a religion to counter. So it's all good.

12.Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
- What about being pursued while pursuing? Damn Bollywood.

13.Use three words to describe yourself.
- Tall, erratic and umm, tall.

14.Do any songs make you cry?
- To the theme of Barney. Damn you purple piece of shit.

15.Are you continuing your education?
- Well, yeah. But funding is always the issue. Depressing.

16.Do you know how to shoot a gun?
- A paintball marker. Why is it called a marker anyway? 

17.If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing that you'll grab?
- My iPod. After dragging my parents out of the house of course.

18.How often do you read books?
- Whenever there's a book I find interesting. It's been awhile though.

19.Do you think more about the past, present or future?
- The future. No point thinking of the past, right?

20.What is your favourite children's book?
- Does the Amazing Spiderman count?

21.What color are your eyes?
- Damn black with a tiny pathetic hint of brown.

22.How tall are you?
- Very.

23.Where is your dream house located?
- Anywhere. You should ask me the design.

24.Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
- Never. Too cheesy for me. Though I do use a software called Photobooth on the iMac.

25.When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
- Ummm never. 

26.Do you like mustard?
- I prefer chili.

27.Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
- Sleep, of course. I "eat" in my sleep.

28.Do you look like your mom and dad?
- I look like my dad. 

29.How long does it take you in the shower?
- 20-minutes tops. Unless...its with someone else. Ooo!

30.Can you do the splits?
- And split me nuts? No. I don't see any reason it'll be useful skill for everyday living.

31.What movie do you want to see right now?
- Hot Fuzz, again. 

32.What did you do for New Year?
- A grey T that reads "HUNGOVER"

33.Do you own a camera phone?
- Who doesn't? Seriously, even my dad owns one.

34.Was your mom a cheerleader?
- Oh god. -blocking weird mental images- "No mom, nooo!!!"

35.How many hours of sleep do you get at night?
- In an ideal world, I'd would have a minimum of 10 hours.

36.Do you like care bears?
- Never cared.

37.What do you buy at the movies?
- A bloody movie ticket.

38.Do you know how to play poker?
- A bit. Can't quite remember.

39.Do you wear your seatbelt?
- All the time. I don't fancy smashing my head onto the windscreen or steering if I so happen to be damn chew cheng.

40.What do you wear to sleep?
- Some super old t-shirt and shorts/boxers.

41.Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
- Not always.

42.How many meals do you eat a day?
- A minimum of 5. Breakfast, Branch, Lunch, Dinner and Supper.

43.Do you always read friendster bulletins?
- Never. It's filled with corny lovey dovey crap.

44.Do you like funny or serious people better?
- Funny of course.

45.Ever been to L.A.?
- Yes, many times. Via Channel 707.

46.Did you eat a cookie today?
- I had fried bee hun and coffee.

47.Tag 3 people.
- Umm, Ian, since he's running out of materials to blog about. Ju, for tagging me earlier and umm, Russ.

Now, get to it. I'm done.