'More Than A Year' Shit

In life, there are a few certainties. Like how I’ll fail to function without my first cup of coffee, how the sun will always rise from the East, like how Green Lane is always jammed up or how Sim can never write me a proper testimonial on Friendster.

But there is never a certainty when you have one of those, “Crap, what song is that?” days because you’ll never know when you will ever find out the title.

In recent months, (even now) Volvo has a series of ads with the closing tagline; “Who Would You Give A Volvo To?” on TV. One of those ad in particular has this mega catchy tune to it. “Shit, I gotta have that song.”

It starts off with a palm muted guitar riff. Then some beats follows before the piano enters the audio line. The ad shows various kinds of people driving a range of Volvo cars. Noticeably, an Indian couple is in it too. Hope that helps you pin point which ad I’m yapping about.

Ever since I heard it, I started to rummage around the net, Google it what so on. Nothing. The closest I got was the website itself.

And just to make matters worst – the international version has a different song.

I hate it when this happens. The last time this happened, it took me 1 ½ years before I found out who it was. In fact, I didn’t even find it…it found me. So I don’t think I can wait that long again.

I needed help, so I turn to my musically inclined friends to facilitate my search.

“Dude, the whole ‘more than a year' shit has happened to me as well,” he tells me on MSN that he remembers his moment clearly even though it was way back in 1998.

“As usual, me and my friends were smoking by the poolside,” back then they do that every night. And after all that, he has to send one of his friends home too. “All I had in the car was metal, Steve will always turn on the radio during the trip back, "He likes his mellow shit when he’s under the influence.”

“It wasn’t one of those crap stations like HITz,” making no effort to hide his dislike to the repetitiveness of HITz, “It was one of those stations that plays ‘Take Your Breath Away’ and Phil Collins, Sting and shit.”

“Anyway so we were both stoned and this song came on,” he tells me that it was this girl singing, in a “Totally fucking angelic voice,” with no real music in the background except for violins and something else. He got excited, “I was like whoaa!! Who the fuck is this?” and they waited and waited for the song to finish, hoping the DJ would mention who it was.

But…
“Nothing.....................song just changed into another song.”

“Fuck! I hate it when DJs do that,” I tell him, “DJs not doing their job right.”

“It was a beautiful song, I fell in love man,” he’s interest in this song sparked Steve to have an interest in it also, so both of them decided, “Fuck we gonna find this song!” as they start their expedition to find this song.

They found nothing. They kept trying and trying.

And then they forgot about it albeit he will remember it from time to time when driving home stoned "Wah that was damn cun man…I wish I knew who that was."

Case closed. Until…

“And then in fucking 2002 I heard it again!” but not on the radio like they did the first time. In fact, his friend was talking to him as the song return to haunt him in the car.

“I was like fuck!!!” in a parking lot. So he went and asked his friend to ask his friend to found out it was.

Fiona Apple - Across the Universe, Beatles cover.



I don’t think I can wait for 4 years!
Help!

Here’s the link. It's the first box in the "Watch the commercials" section. And it’s not ‘Hundreds of Sparrows’. In Asia we have a different tune.

Luke Black

Then, I thought I was a tad too over the top when I finally purchased my full-fledge iPod. But as times progress, an Indian recently purchased a 30GB Black iPod video, also from the States, “Did you buy the black one because you’re Indian?” I said. OK, bad joke.

And he made no effort to hide his blissfulness. He even named it Luke.

As we were chatting about what sort of protection to get and how there are scores of accessories for the iPod, I explain to him how (annoyingly) iPods only take mp4 formats for videos and that iTunes has Cover-Flow now, “Wah damn cun, ok ok, I gotta call you back,” he says, “walking into the cinema now,” and we hung up.

Barely 5 minutes later, I received a text message from who-else but the proud owner himself;

“Crazy ipod! Me going to get trip. But much later la. First I got to get the skin man. Protection all the way first. Immunity to ipod!hail ipod!”

But for a self-confessed tech geek, he does not know much of the iPod. Very embarrassing. I gotta spoon feed him everything.

1. How to turn on an iPod.
2. How to load songs into the iPod.
3. How to un-sync the iPod.
4. Explain what is “sync”.
5. How to load songs into iPod.
6. How to load videos into iPod.
7. Explains that iPod only (frustratingly) accepts mp4 formats.
8. How to delete songs.

In due time, he will ask the following;

1. How to load videos.
2. How to create playlist.
3. What is a charge cycle.
4. How to re-start an iPod.

To date, I have yet to load a single porn clip into it (yes, shocking) and this An Neh has already lined up a few of his precious collections – ready for conversion, ready to load and ready to view during his weekly bus ride back home. Sexy Nurses 3? LOL. Don’t think his significant half would fancy that too much.

However, with our combined knowledge my superior knowledge in technology, we still couldn’t figure out how to control the mystery of the hidden function on the Click-Wheel. Yes, to fellow iPod owners, notice if you spin around the Click-Wheel fast enough, there’s this little grey box that appears in the screen, at this point, if you hold, you can browse via alphabets. Nifty huh, considering that the Click-Wheel can’t go backwards. So if you happen to listen to bands like Zwan or Zero 7. Good luck scrolling thru 3,000 names.

But nobody knows how to control it! I find myself spinning hopelessly, wishing for the grey box to pop up. To no avail on most occasion, hmmpf!


OK, back to work.

Pause

Before I start my day’s work again, I felt the urge to blog something.
This morning, electricity came to a hasty arrest and proceeded to give us employees false hopes.

So we went outside the check out the scene – as it has already happened to us before – we thought it might just be our unit. But the entire block was out.

David takes a good look around, turning his head left and right, “Wah, so many people,” he said, “during normal hours you’ll never see all these people mingle outside.”

This is true. Nobody shares the same lunch schedule. So we don’t really know who our neighbours are. Sadly, no hot chicks in sight. Except for this Indian chick just next to us. But she comes in at random times, it’s almost impossible to get a proper look at her.

Also, because we had 3 dogs in our 15 year spell at Pearl Hill, all 3 died in the most unceremonious way (dad ran over with his car, snake bite and a big giant cat ate the last one) I don’t think I can adopt one of those cute little things here. But you guys can! Yes, boleh! They’re so adorable. How can you not adopt one?

There was no big giant cat by the way. So no need to call animal control.

OK, I don’t know where this is going. Lost the plot. But electricity made it’s redundant return and now I’m back at my desk albeit there’s no real work to do, I gotta do the sticker thing. Sigh.


Laters.

Screwed 4,600x

This is why I hate doing Ads with Chinese words in ‘em. Because when shit happens. I can't read it!


So help me god if I so happen to beat you up


for mentioning words like…


"Sticker" or "flyer".


'Cos we gotta painstakingly stick 4 pieces on each flyer. And there’s 4,600 of ‘em to go and it's making me feel ridiculously miserable.


The green stickers just arrived today and it's due on Thursday. We're all so screwed. And if you see me with tones of tiny little green stickers all over me, you know I've lost it. Feel free to bring me down and strap me onto those jackets and send me away. But be gentle. And throw in a couple of Dunhill Lights if you are still my friend.

How Emails Changed My Life

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can go to the petrol station without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support the American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers, but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I may have dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain petrol companies!


If you don't send this via e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47pm this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...


Have a fantabulastic day.


AND...
A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

Return of the Tall

I’m back from my unannounced-hiatus.

Yes, I went there again. And if you need to know. It’s my fourth trip in about 1 ½ years. And no, I don’t want to go back there again (at least not this year). Though I do fancy a room there for a weekend getaway with a date. Oo! That’d be uber-cool! And just for the record, all of them slept by 12am. WTF?

As I rip 20 of my colleague’s CDs and in between, calling someone who refuses to pick up, I’ll update a bit here and there.

So…20 CDs…well, roughly lah, it’s a huge stack, couldn’t be really bothered to count them down. For some reason, when I ask him, “Eh, how many Chillout Sessions CDs do you have?” I got the impression that there would only be about 5-7 CDs.

But no, this morning, “Meng, here are your CDs!” he said – in his usual manner – via MSN. But little did I know he had a bag full of CDs to loan me. So now I embark on a CD ripping rampage. 3 down and a lot more to go.

---

We were watching Heroes in Ian’s room, with his girlfriend. Yes, I realized the odd combination. Why am I hanging out in their room? Because he had somehow psycho-ed me to stay another 2 days in KL after my presentation. So they are so not gonna have sex and leave me to rot with their shit-all-over-the-place dogs. I mean, their size doesn't - at all - justify the amount of shit they...well, shit.

The room is ridiculously chilly so I stood up from the computer chair and headed straight to the remote – which is glued onto the wall – to change the fan swing.

He cries out, “Pussy!” lying down on his bed with a thick comforter over his body.

I, on the other hand, had only shorts and a T with the air-con blowing at full blast at 16°C, “Very macho Ian, very macho.” I said, “Say that again without the comforters and pillow.”

---

Never, ever, ever buy NEXT cigarettes. They suck. Especially their Lights range.

---

I’m now halfway thru the CD-ripping process.

---

I need new shoes. I really do. My 4 year old Adidas ain’t shutting his ‘mouth’. And despite my futile effort in gluing it back, it just doesn’t quite cut it. Those NIKEs are so pretty. Oooo.

---

I just realized the new couple’s could have this initial, R&R. Now S just need to stop touching the guy R. I don’t think woman R would fancy that too much. And no, not that S, this is the other S that just moved in with them.

---

5 more discs to go.

---

I read on the papers today that South Korea has banned all Malaysian products that contain Tongkat Ali in them. Due to lack of information, they fear it may have side-effects for both long and short terms like a perpetual errection or worst, none at all. Fuck it. I ain’t having it anymore. Back to Nescafe! I have to say, Ali Cafe smells so damn good despite the mediocre ad the show on tele. But, it does tastes a bit funky. Kinda tastes like sunscreen. Hmmm…

---

Sim ask me to ring up Vig, so I did. He picks up, “Dei,” he greets.
“Dei Indian,” I replied.
“Supp Cina?” he queries.
I say, “Melayu wants to talk to you.”
Simran takes over, “Dei Indian, Melayu here…”

Just felt like saying that.

---

I hit my head 4 times when I was over at my neighbour’s for a drinking session. Seriously, you guys should hang the balcony light higher. Serious. I mean, what happened to love thy neighbour?

---

Birds are setting up another nest on our balcony. Which is good feng-shui. This makes it the 3rd time to date. Though they had only been successful once. First two were destroyed by monkeys. Bloody monkeys!

---

Finally one of them returned my call. It’s DNP. While the other is still in hiding. Heck, even the office phone is unattended. How to do business like that?!

---

I. Seriously. Need. To. Catch-up. On. Movies.
To date, I’ve missed almost everything that has hit the silver screen. With the exception of Cicak-Man, I dunno why. And if you need to know, the whole movie seems random and tries way too hard to be funny. It could have been sooo much better if they had invested more time in structuring a more controlled approach to their jokes.

---

There are a handful of names on my MSN list that refuses to chat with me. So what’s the whole point of adding me in the first place? Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to delete it. Actually I did, except for the girls. Yes, I’m that lonely. I need help.

---

One more disc to go.

---

Has anyone been to Seri Tanjung Pinang? OMG. Who doesn’t want to live there? Beachfront, marina and a sensational view. Everything you could ask for. Though the RM1.3Mil price-tag was a huge turn off. I mean, who wants to splash so much cash for a piece of land that might – technically – sink.

---

Ooh! I’m done ripping CDs. The total tally is at a whopping 1.41GB. That’s like…oh what the hell…a lot of songs.



I can go have a smoke now.
Cheerio.

Hope that's long enough to keep ya'll entertained. And for the record, at least my last entry didn't date back to 2005, like someone :P

Almost On Time

He walks in, I couldn’t help but stare at his uniform, the nifty little scanner device attached to his belt, “We’re all gonna get stuck in here aren’t we?”

He gave me one long-ass stare. Confused, he muttered “Hammik?!”

I got the impression that we were all gonna get stuck in the lift when this FedEx guy walked in. The other occupants started to giggle; some were too busy getting lost in their train of thoughts, staring into space.

“You know…the FedEx ad on TV,” I try to justify, “where they send in the well drilled back-up FedEx team to save the day. Except that it seems like we don’t have an escape door above for your people to come in.”

He replied, in Hokkien, “Ee lang boh tee ler, wa meh chai ka tui lai,” which means his delivery was an unsuccessful one as they had already pack up, lock up and left the office.

Hah, on-time konon.
THERE IS NO BACK-UP TEAM IS THERE?
But I didn’t say that.
YOU WERE LATE WEREN’T YOU?
I didn’t say that too.

I did say, “Oh, well, it’s past 5 liao. Tough luck. Ciao.”

Call Me

Ha ha ha ha…
I get to mess around with the brand-spanking new iPhone from Apple!



Feel free to envy me. Please, you have you’re rights.


Actually, I envy that me in that picture too. Sigh. And that's a bad ass picture of myself. Gosh.

:(

Obviously!

“Wah, you eating ah?!”
No, I just paid RM2.50 for this bowl of Wan Tan Mee so I could use this funny looking sticks to pick it up and make small little edible map of Penang.

“Wash car ah?”
No-lah, I’m just pouring soap water on my car for fun. And that’s not wax, it’s a car moisturizer. It’s like the IN-thing now.

“You cut hair ah?”
No ler, I’m balding.

“Reading book ah?”
No ah, I’m just counting how many alphabets is in this 345-page book. “Aiyah, you make me lost count! Start over!”

“On the phone ah?”
No no, I just like how I can spend RM0.15 cents per-minute from 7pm to 7am to keep my ears warm. Yes, I’m aware we live in a tropical climate. It’s funny you should state such an OBVIOUS fact.

“Wah, play football ah?”
Nah, this is the world’s largest keychain. Chain sold separately. Yeah I know, it’s big. Only stupid people would buy it. Oh the irony.




At least my parents aren’t like that.
Or any of my close friends.